I have always held to the idea that you should be careful/clear about what you wish for, because you will always get what you want, but rarely in the way you expected to receive it. I feel this is relevant today. We are being ushered into a new reality, and it may not look exactly as we imagined it. Don’t get lost in the disappointment or confusion of that. Instead, take a moment to recognize the shift, and sit the the realization of all that is being shed in order for you to walk into another chapter.
For me, and many others, the last eight years have been interesting at best and pretty ugly at worst. We have experienced challenge after challenge, block after block, change after change. Disappointment has colored our valiant effort to stay afloat more times than we would like to remember. That’s not to say that beauty was void during this time, it’s just not what I want to focus on in this post.
Just like you might do when a loved one passes away, or as a warrior does when slaying his enemy, acknowledge the parts of yourself that are also fading out. We are in this weird, in-between space; a limbo between what was and what is going to be. Hold on to the excitement of this, but don’t let it overshadow all the spiritual work and soul lessons you have weathered to get here. Today, take some time to have pride in the mileage you’ve accumulated. Ascension, Holiness, Spiritual Awakening, whatever you choose to call it, is never pretty. Remind yourself of this whenever you want to dismiss the struggles you have endured and overcome. There are a lot of puzzle pieces coming together and falling away simultaneously, don’t worry yourself with controlling how it all happens right now. If you’re having difficulty focusing on what you should hold space for, think back to May and a central theme you’ve been challenged by since then. Honor the closing of this cycle.
Personally, I had difficulty pinning anything down. For me, it feels like it’s been a lot of the same struggle for nearly two years, and also the same struggle for the last eight. It’s always about balance. Balancing when to accept and when to fight, when to be quiet and when to speak up, having one thing but not the other, trying to find a solution to have both major desires in my life. I can’t say I’ve been entirely successful. Acceptance being a key word; which doesn’t necessarily mean giving up. So when I sat, trying to find a common hardship in the past five months, I couldn’t easily get away from the big picture. Instead it felt like it was the closing out of the collective patterns I mentioned.
Since May, I’ve struggled to let go of emotional attachment to the past, and to the freedoms I enjoyed before kids. I went through a phase of fighting to get some of that back. This during summer vacation when your life is literally kids 24/7, so talk about divine timing! I realized it was the lack of balance. I don’t have friends where I live and I don’t have family close by. No babysitters, ever. I hit a wall. So the past five months have been about my effort to incorporate my individuality into my family life (collective). It required many steps. I had to let go of my habit to put everyone ahead of myself (customer service background/Leo sun), and I definitely had to cut some gnarly energy cords that didn’t have a right to bind into my personal space/home (Pisces Moon). I had to separate my resentments into their proper category instead of projecting them onto the wrong people, and then heal them. Lastly, I had to stop worrying about how other people defined my position as a parent, quit my passive stance as a “step” parent, and move forward as a mother and leader in my household. By aligning into my authenticity and my NOW, I was already shifting into my evolved self expression. Not worrying about exterior chaos, and protecting my energy from syphoning into messes I didn’t need to feel responsible for made all the room I needed to get back to me: writing, art, philosophy, astrology, pagan cosmology, invention, nature/wild woman, romance. Just listing this amazes me. Look at how much room was taken up by imbalanced people pleasing. Look at all the discord imbalanced people pleasing caused me over the years! Emotional/physical abuse, fear, manipulation, immobility, depreciation, chaos, loss.
It’s a satisfying feeling to finally be in a space where I am secure to balance my giving disposition with a more powerful, selfish side of me. I can’t imagine how “she” will play out as my path unfolds. It’s taken eight years to bring her out of the shadows (and not just in moments of anger) and that’s okay. I don’t have to have all the answers right now, and neither do you. Recognizing the transition and flow of life is all that is being asked of you. These waters are heavy, do you feel it? Let them carry you.
Endings and beginnings always blur together and fog the lens. Don’t hold too tightly to your expectations, and open to the new ways being presented to you. Just because it didn’t happen how you expected, doesn’t mean it won’t be beautiful in the end.