This year has been full of lessons for many us. Hard truths about our realities and who we are have been surfaced and tested. Our desires have been broken and rebuilt, hopefully to be more fulfilling to Spirit. Maybe our paths have even been broken or changed completely. Only this time it feels different, doesn’t it? Changes feel more final, truth holds more depth, and direction feels more sturdy.
Think back to 2015. Can you remember what you were facing or lessons you were learning? Most likely you were learning and uncovering some very deep rooted fears. Then, it was about experiencing and realizing what fear driven patterns you had; where you held yourself back. This time is about conquering the idea of these fears, and realizing the scariest part is the decision to overcome them. This isn’t a time to saturate yourself with your limiting thought patterns, it’s about shifting your focus and shrinking those monsters under the bed.
Now is the time to be brutally honest with yourself about a few things. First being the way in which your fears keep you from achieving your highest manifestations and desires. Second, being what those desires and manifestations truly are. How far are you actually willing to go in order to achieve what you strive for? What are you willing to sacrifice? Are you truly capable of letting go of what’s comfortable and familiar to reach the next rung of the ladder?
I think as a whole we have been conditioned to believe that we are all supposed to strive for some great success, some great fame, or make something bigger of ourselves than we currently are. I feel like there’s this idea plugged into our brains that unless you reach the top tier, you aren’t good enough. But do we ever stop to think what that actually means, especially to you as an individual? It’s going to be different from soul to soul, and there’s no more time left to sweep what your definition is under the rug.
I’m not saying to accept the idea of mediocrity. Not at all! I’m merely suggesting it’s time to redefine and be honest about what success looks like to you. What your dreams truly are. Maybe your fear of not living up to societal success ideas is the fear that holds you back. You limit your views to standards you don’t actually want to obtain, therefore making every excuse to be someone you’re not. Or it could be something else entirely like lack of self confidence, distrust in the process, imbalanced priorities, etc. Either way, take some time tonight (during the Full Moon in the no bullshit sign of Capricorn) to hear what skeletons are falling out of your closet and rattling around on the floor (conjunction to Pluto). Chances are some huge emotional baggage will be singing along to this bone-song, so listen to what it’s saying. Call on your spiritual guides for this one. Ask for the strength to face it with integrity, and to keep eyes clear on an end goal.
Everything has been aligned for your success, but not without the work you need to put in. I get it, this year has left us tired from the lessons and the challenges and the realizations. You’ve had the time to rest, to lick your wounds, to heal and regain some foundation. But that comforting bed of blankets that drowns out the things you don’t want to deal with (Cancerean disinterest in change) is not for you to live in. Not if you actually want to experience a dream-reality merge. The equation is simple.
Death and the depth of the Underworld are themes we’d expect to see in the autumn with Halloween/Samhain. But again, it’s an opportunity to shift your perception of these themes with the bravery of the Lion (Leo season, “I am”) just around the corner. This is a chance to honestly self communicate where it’s time to end comfort zones, end self sabotage, end outdated fears, and bravely step into your rebirthing, your true manifestation.
My barriers have always been the same. I never put my dreams at the top of my list because I don’t deem them as responsible priorities. I will sacrifice time to write/create so that I can do the dishes or go to a job I hate. I will make excuses that I am too tired to do my soul work because day-to-day requirements have worn me out. And they have. But I allowed them to consume me instead of carving out some time to do what I know I’m truly supposed to do. I have a fear of losing independence and financial comfort, and I will never allow myself to step outside of those comfort zones to make time for my creations in the belief that they will bring me more than I could ever imagine or obtain now. As one of my dearest friends has said (and I know I’ve mentioned before, but it’s a statement I hang onto), I am “a leader who pretends to be a follower.” Why? Because it’s easier. To me, nothing is asked of me if I don’t step forward and I can be rewarded for going with the flow. Except I am not meant to just flow along the river of my life. And I know this, yet I continue to stand stubbornly in my own way.
Fears of 2015 and 2017 definitely synchronize and progress for me, personally. In 2015 I was working my ass off to become a “grown up.” I had up to four or five jobs at any given time, saying yes to any opportunity that came my way, whether I wanted it or not. I literally exhausted myself and my spirit to reach goals I thought I wanted. I never treated myself and threw everything that wasn’t making me money to the wayside; which meant everything I truly loved doing. I put more work into my exterior relationships to rebuild what I thought I had broken, without realizing I was leaving no space to love myself or see myself for who I truly was. I supported everyone else’s dreams. I helped everyone else move down their paths. It felt good…and empty. It was instant gratification. I thought that changing a certain situation would change my problems. That all my obstacles would be solved by changing locations, created a homestead that was mine. Hello, independence blockages. I didn’t need to change locations, I needed to ask for help and support in a way that mattered. I needed help easing off the hamster wheel and realizing I was safe if I let go of some of my misguided ambitions. My fears were dictating my life.
Flash forward to 2017. I literally watched all of my fears bitch slap me as unplanned experiences stripped everything that I thought held my sanity together. Literally everything I was afraid of happened, and by my own permission. In the blink of an eye my sense of responsibility drained my bank accounts, stole my personal time, and left me completely vulnerable to codependence. I was living my worst fears, and though it was incredible difficult to face, it never felt wrong. I took sensitive observation of what was happening around me, asking why, and trying to be realistic with how bad the situation actually was. I had to be proud of myself for making the decisions I did during the in-between of 2016. Though the fear felt more debilitating than it had in 2015, I was surrounded by the right people who loved and supported me in the way I needed this time. When I fell under my own standards, these people were there to lift me up, to remind me that I wasn’t failing or dying. They returned the support I had given them and continue to do so now. I still struggle with the idea of codependence, but I have manifested a position that has literally forced me to look at it in a different light and my solitary nature is shifting. I have realized that my self power will not be sacrificed by allowing someone else to help me when I struggle.
I have also reached my utter limit with putting myself last. Again, I do not regret my decision to do what I have in the last six months, there have been many rewarding and character building experiences too, and they far outweigh the struggles (which is the point in focusing on positive perspectives). But I am done feeling responsible to clean up messes that aren’t mine simply because I can. I have reached my limit of being pushed to last in line and am done being taken advantage of by people who probably don’t even realize they’re doing it. And that doesn’t mean I have to be rude and loud and bossy to make room for myself. I just have to learn to communicate my honest desires and ask that they be respected the way I have respected everyone else around me. I learned the fastest way to see your worth is to watch it get utterly wasted spending time doing things that do not feed you…and again, by my own permission. No one else is to blame.
So here I am. My soul is not fed and it is reflected in my physical wealth, which is in shambles (for me). I have lost myself to responsibilities that aren’t mine to carry in roles that aren’t accurate to the truth. And all I have to do is trust the fall to end it. Sounds so simple, but I have come to the very end of line in order to be ready to do it. My skeletons are at my feet, a pile of bones, not the haunted monsters that keep us up at night. I’m ready. I’m synchronized with the time and I am ready to let go of some deep rooted fears, and I’m ready to begin the process of letting go of my deepest cut. The one of being disappointed by and trusting in the wrong people. I’ve been hurt by personal relationships my entire life, for varying reasons, and most severely since 2010. I understand now that I am bonded to the right person, and all of our trials this year have only proven this. Every time I broke down expecting the same thing to happen, this man has risen to the occasion to show me it wouldn’t. I have finally met my equal in nobility and integrity, in love and passion. I know this in my heart, but only now do I feel ready to truly invest my security in my partner.
Now it’s your turn. No more bullshit excuses. Stop finding reasons why you can’t and start working through how it’s possible. Be honest about what you want in this life. Some of us are happy to have a picnic in the tall grass, and some of us yearn to climb the ladder and pick stars from the sky. None of it is wrong unless it’s out of alignment with what you truly want. Realize that your fear is conceptualized by false imaging and poor manifestation. You are capable of so much more than you realize, or maybe you do, and you’re being lazy. Put in the work. Strive in the places that propel you forward and let the rest fall away. I promise you, if you let life pass you by now, this very moment, this very summer, you will regret it.
For those who share pagan/heathen interests…..
At this full moon I will call upon three goddess energies that I have worked with in the past, for guidance and support during yet another rebirthing.
Morrigan: Our relationship is more from her own choice. My path to work with her started as most: out of curiosity and research for my fiction novel. But the more I was drawn to the parts of her story that aren’t obviously told, the more she clung to protecting me. I’d never have guessed she’d be who I prayed to first and always, but there you have it, and I feel stronger and more capable knowing I have her watching over me like a big sister during transitions.
Scathach: She is my teacher. When I fall she teaches me to pick up and keep fighting. To honor the effectiveness of subtle movements and the art of magic to maneuver gracefully through life’s battles. I’m listening to Scottish drum and pipes as I write this to honor her. She is the “one who strikes fear,” and I will call on that literally as I strike my very own now. Learn more about her here: https://journeyingtothegoddess.wordpress.com/2012/07/13/scathach/amp/
Skadi: I worked with her for the first time last year when I was living in the mountains, a place I loved, but not in a life I desired. She has taught me what you can obtain with loyalty, integrity, and fearlessness to Self. She wasn’t afraid to stand up for her truths and obtain her manifestations, and even more, capable to walk away when she realized her desires didn’t materialize as she had wished.